Oh my.
Need.
We are always told that we as women feel the desire to be
wanted, needed and loved. From my experience this is true, but it is not as
strong or as negative as the world makes it seem. We are also told that in
order to give love and receive love, we must love ourselves “truly.” This is
also true and not as difficult as how the world makes it seem. We are told that
in order to overcome these desires we must become a “strong independent woman
who don’t need no man,” seemingly ignoring these desires or selfishly getting
them fulfilled in the here and now with whomever tickles our fancy.
There is a
great DIY, self-help culture lately, especially with YouTube vlogs, which makes
it seem as though there is a great journey to reach the point of
self-acceptance and where your desires are met. I think the testimony culture
within churches escalates this as well, we believe that if we do not have an
instantaneous revelation or turnaround that we are on the road of a long
journey to freedom. Is there no middle ground? Is it possible to reach this
point without the 5 key steps, long wrestling match with doubt and constant
stumbling?
I was watching a spoken word piece yesterday that spoke of
the guilt of enjoying the physical interactions that we know do not fit in with
how we wanted our life’s story to pan out. The lady in the video said rightly,
this guilt should not be felt. We were designed to enjoy physical touch so we
should not feel guilty about enjoying it or craving more of it, but we should
recognise the right time and place for it. Just like within a relationship
there are wrong times for PDA and right times and places to enjoy intimacy, in
life there are right and wrong times to be enjoying physical touch.
How would love work without vulnerability? If we didn’t have
that desire to be needed and wanted would we even go looking for love? We are
told that as women we use sex, romance, dates, physical touch and all those
things to gain love and that this is a bad thing. Now I’m not advocating going
and using all these things to fill the void that can only be filled with love
but I am going to say that I think that we, especially us Christian girls, view
this desire as a negative thing where it is a natural, beautiful thing that if
channelled correctly can enhance love.
As with anyone else, I have made my fair share of mistakes
and continue to, so this is written as much to encourage myself as it is to do
so for you. It is really hard writing this without including my story as that’s
how I processes best, so I will include my journey in the next post. I need to
exclude myself though so that I have a set of raw truths to come back to
myself.
It all comes back to what I said in my last post, love is a
choice that we make, and a choice that must be carefully timed. We must be
content without love before we are ready to receive love, otherwise it will
become like a drug and we would not be able to function without it. If we
approach love as a whole, full person then we will have love to give and not
have to rely on another person to fill our empty void.
Okay, so we have the need to be needed and a void that
cannot be only filled with love but these must be met and fulfilled before we
are ready to receive or give love. How does that even work!? The need we have
to feel as though someone needs us and to feel completely, unconditionally
loved. No mention of romance there. You can be needed by many people or groups
in your life, whether it’s as simple as your dog really needing you to survive,
your little sister needing you to hold her while she cries, your gym buddy
needing you to keep them motivated to get up at 6am for a run, or your clients
at work really needing you, your need to be needed can be met in another
capacity if we focus away from finding a significant other.
Non-romantic love can fill that void in the same capacity.
The most fulfilling way to satisfy the need for love is learn to love yourself.
It is a great cliché, but it is so true! Loving yourself is being content with
where you are, accepting where you have been and being determined to make
yourself and your future great.
Connecting this back to my original question that started
this blog – is this either a journey that lasts a long time or an instantaneous
revelation or is there a middle ground? I believe that there is no need for it
taking a long time to figure out, however long it takes you to believe that you
are loved, needed and desirable and adjust your outlook and behaviour to that
is all it takes. There will be no definite finish line as self-worth is
something we have to decide daily, but I do not feel as though the journey is
quite as long as we sometimes make it out to be.
These needs are only human, but believing that they control
us and determine our sense of self-worth is perfectly Freudian. You are needed,
loved and wanted in many capacities. Recognising this, deciding this and
walking it out on a daily basis is the way that I am finding works to change
our mindset to become that “strong independent woman that don’t need no man.”
Waking up each morning and realising that you are wanted, needed and loved,
complete without a man by your side yet completely and utterly desirable will
set you free from being controlled by the world telling you that you need to
have your desired fulfilled by a man in order to be happy.
These desires were not built into us to control us, as this
normally brings heartbreak and a lost sense of identity. Instead, we were meant
to control them in order to and depth and intimacy to our relationships in a
safe and healthy way. Without proper control and understanding of these desires
we end up in a string of moments to try and quench the here and now. Having a
good grip on them will deepen and make a true love more beautiful. Not true
love in the Disney sense, but a true love in the sense that your connection
with this person is multi-faceted and that it is based on mutual respect, trust
and a desire to benefit, grow and bless the other while protecting your heart.
A love that you will remain thankful for every day, even if it were to end.
