About this time last year God lead me to host a girls' night at my high school and focus strongly on identity. My heart broke when I looked around me and within myself and saw the lack of identity or identity being determined by the wrong things. Tonight we had our girls' night and I am sitting here blown away by how amazing God was and how much of a success the whole evening was! We called it GUCCI, Girls United in Christ-Centered Identity, and that is exactly what happened. By the end of the evening pockets of girls were getting together to talk about the real things that we face as girls and getting around one another to support each other while we all enjoyed the girly things in life while eating cupcakes and painting our nails. We really united as girls in Christ.
During the evening I shared my testimony with the group, the reason why I started this blog as a means to relieve my heart and so I thought it appropriate to share it on here too. So, if you are reading this please (if you know me) read it in my voice, but a very emotional voice and when you're about half way down imagine that I'm almost crying. That way you can sit in the auditorium with me and enjoy girls' night too.
Am I special? Am I good enough? Am I
beautiful? Do people like me? Am I loved? Will I amount to anything? Is there
even a point to me being here? These are just a few of the questions I began to
ask myself as a junior high school student. Unfortunately, the answer I decided
to most of these questions was no. No, I am not special, good enough, beautiful
or loved. People do not like me, I will not amount to anything and there is no
point in me being here.
This was all because I was looking for my
acceptance and worth in all the wrong places. No, I was not a rebel nor did I
venture off the rails; I was actually more behaved and sheltered than I am now.
I was just looking to my friends and my sport for my identity. I am a people’s
person, I am happiest when I am with a bunch of people having fun and therefore
looked to social interactions for energy.
I am not going to go into complete detail
but I’m quickly going to take you down memory lane and introduce you to the
Petro of days gone by to help you see the full picture. As a toddler I was a
very happy child, always running, smiling and laughing. I was however, very
shy. Mum often tells me about how I used to cling onto her and hide behind her
leg when we were in public and would never talk to people I did not know well.
This was my reality up until the age of
eight, well I had given up clinging onto Mum but I was still otherwise the
same. At around the age of eight I began to realise that the tactic that I had
adopted to make friends, being loud, silly, sarcastic and rude to the boys, was
not working for me. Sure, I was making plenty of friends, but even at that age
I realised that I was losing myself; it just wasn’t me. As soon as I changed
tactic though, I began having daily fights with my friends; which turned me
into a really grumpy, rude person.
I spent most of the next three or four
years on my own or floating between friends. I cried most afternoons and was
always unhappy. It was around this time that I discovered that I was pretty
alright at sports and began to gain recognition from my peers in that. I based
my identity and happiness in sport, so I became super competitive and always
compared myself to others. I met Christ at the end of year six and the
bitterness in me began to fade. It took about two years for the change to fully
set in and for my peers to begin recognising the change in me. I began to
happen on the social scene and my netball began to take off big time; people
wanted to know me and wanted to be my friend. This gave me such satisfaction
and became an even more crucial part of who I was. I was not happy with myself
unless I was successful and social.
I lived this shallow existence through
Middle School but reality kicked in towards the end of year nine. Year nine and
ten were hands down the worst time in my life. I lost four extended family
members in quick succession, all very suddenly and unexpectedly. My friends all
abandoned me and I lost all sense of confidence. I remember praying often as I
lay in bed, “Jesus, I cannot do this anymore.
Please, just don’t let me wake up in the morning.” I contemplated ideas
such as self harm or anorexia because I needed to be able to control something
in my life and viewed myself as overweight compared to the girls that I went to
school with. I saw myself as worthless, unloved, and unwanted and a failure. I
did not fit in anywhere and was stuck in a mild depression.
My saving grace was my family, my sport,
and my Saviour. My parents picked up pretty quickly that I was not myself and
they came alongside me to support me. Instead of food and pain being the things
that I controlled in my life, my sport became that area of control. I played in
such a way that I could control the game and the movement of my opponent. I
turned to writing that year, I bought a notebook and began writing my emotions down
in poems. It soon became pretty addictive and I wrote on anything I could my
hands on, notebooks, napkins, worksheets, paper towels, receipts, folders,
whiteboards, absolutely anything and everything. I am a greatly emotional
person so being able to express my emotions in a sometimes exaggerated form but
in a safe place helped me deal with the stress in my heart. My poems were
mostly all very dark and sad until I began to turn to God. I realised that I
did not want to die, I did not want to hurt myself or make myself sick because
when it came down to it, I enjoyed being alive and being with my family. I
started ending my poems with a prayer or statement of hope. Sometimes this hope
was false but I wrote about how God was going to pull me out of this situation
and restore me as a declaration. I knew in my heart that He would pull through
and save me because I had felt Him change me four years previously.
Like my change in year six, my restoration
from depression and looking to others for acceptance was not immediate, it took
some time. I only really became comfortable in my own skin last year, but in
the mean time I stopped looking to people and started looking to God. I
developed somewhat of a “And what?” attitude towards people’s opinions.
Although they still matter to me very much, I started realising that I cannot
possibly please everyone and there will always be someone that I will
disappoint and at this stage if it is not someone who I respect or look up to,
I don’t really mind what they think of me. The old thing of, “Those that matter
don’t mind and those that mind don’t matter” began to sink into my brain. I
realised that wanting to change for others was pointless, I just lost myself in
the process and trying to live up to the expectations of others just left me
feeling empty, but God thought I was awesome – He chose to spend time with me
24/7 and call me friend. He made me the way I was and although He is constantly
working in me to help me become more like Christ, when He made me He stepped
back and saw that I was good. I was good enough for Him. I was special to him.
I was beautiful to Him. I was loved by Him and therefore it didn’t matter if
people liked me. I will amount to something because He gave me unique gifts and
promises me a prosperous future. There is a point to me being here because He
gave me a purpose to wake up in the mornings. And do you know what the best
part about that is? It is the same for every one of you too; He loves and cares
for you just the same.
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
Thursday, 16 January 2014
Perfection Perception
I was cleaning out my room these last few
weeks – it was quite a mission… and I stumbled across one of my many notebooks.
In it I discovered a poem that I felt compelled to share here because its
message rings very true with many teenage girls. I have no idea when I wrote
it, but it slapped me in the face when I read it.
I, like most teenage girls, have had my fair share of struggles with body image and self esteem. I believe that it is a daily struggle for most of us, as we stumble our way through puberty blues and try to develop an image for ourselves that won’t repulse us every time we look in the mirror. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that goes through the daily “Oh my word, what is that!?” when I look in the mirror, the “This definitely makes me look fat” and the “How is she so flawless.” But then there are those days where you look in the mirror and think “Dang girl, how are you still single!?” No? Okay, maybe it’s just me… I began wondering why it is that we can love ourselves one minute and hate ourselves the next and this poem answered my question this morning. It’s all in our perception of perfection.
I have a really healthy relationship with my mirror, seriously it’s distracting because it’s right next to my desk, but I still need the reassurance from family and friends that I am alright. I caught myself looking at other girls’ facebooks who have around 155 likes on their profile picture and seeing that mine only has 15 and wondering what I am doing wrong. Then I realised that I don’t really care what people think of me online, it doesn't change what I look like and I don’t want to change my pictures to change what I look like either. My older sister is drop dead gorgeous; she has a model’s build, flawless skin and a beautiful face. People are constantly telling me how stunning she is and that became another stumbling block for me, that people would never tell me that I’m pretty and only compliment my clothes if she was wearing them. But I again realised, their words aren't going to change what I look like either and that when my idea of perfect beauty looks in the mirror, she sees a list of flaws too. We look to someone and see perfection, yet they still look at themselves and see 'not good enough.'
I realised that in order to look pretty, you have to feel pretty and in order to feel pretty you have to think pretty. Whoa okay that was badly written, I confused myself. Let’s try again. In order to look and feel pretty you have to be confident in your skin and work with what you have. I am by no means over my body image struggles, but I have reached a point where I have stopped comparing myself to other girls and look in the mirror and only look for good things about myself. I never point out my flaws to myself anymore, I know what they are already, I just remind myself about the good bits. I have learnt to look at myself through God’s eyes, because when He made me “He saw that it was good” and change my perception of perfection.
So without further ado, here is the poem and an amazing song by Britt Nicole that covers the same idea.
Her bony finger,
Clawed deep into,
Her matted hair.
Her sharp cheekbones,
Smeared damp with,
Her salty tears.
Her steel blue eyes,
Fixated strongly on,
Her tired reflection.
She sighs deeply,
As she peers at what,
She believes to be ugly.
She can’t bare to,
Look at this daily,
She wants to change.
But when He looks,
From the other side,
Of societies mirror,
He sees beauty,
Freedom,
Love,
Acceptance,
He sees perfection.
She takes a step,
Outside of her body,
She looks through His eyes.
She begins to look,
From the other side,
Of societies mirror,
She sees beauty,
Freedom,
Love,
Acceptance,
She begins to see perfection.
She couldn’t bare to,
Look at herself daily,
She wanted to change,
But now she sees His perfection.
On her own she was blemished,
In Him she is perfect.
Britt Nicole - Gold
I, like most teenage girls, have had my fair share of struggles with body image and self esteem. I believe that it is a daily struggle for most of us, as we stumble our way through puberty blues and try to develop an image for ourselves that won’t repulse us every time we look in the mirror. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that goes through the daily “Oh my word, what is that!?” when I look in the mirror, the “This definitely makes me look fat” and the “How is she so flawless.” But then there are those days where you look in the mirror and think “Dang girl, how are you still single!?” No? Okay, maybe it’s just me… I began wondering why it is that we can love ourselves one minute and hate ourselves the next and this poem answered my question this morning. It’s all in our perception of perfection.
I have a really healthy relationship with my mirror, seriously it’s distracting because it’s right next to my desk, but I still need the reassurance from family and friends that I am alright. I caught myself looking at other girls’ facebooks who have around 155 likes on their profile picture and seeing that mine only has 15 and wondering what I am doing wrong. Then I realised that I don’t really care what people think of me online, it doesn't change what I look like and I don’t want to change my pictures to change what I look like either. My older sister is drop dead gorgeous; she has a model’s build, flawless skin and a beautiful face. People are constantly telling me how stunning she is and that became another stumbling block for me, that people would never tell me that I’m pretty and only compliment my clothes if she was wearing them. But I again realised, their words aren't going to change what I look like either and that when my idea of perfect beauty looks in the mirror, she sees a list of flaws too. We look to someone and see perfection, yet they still look at themselves and see 'not good enough.'
I realised that in order to look pretty, you have to feel pretty and in order to feel pretty you have to think pretty. Whoa okay that was badly written, I confused myself. Let’s try again. In order to look and feel pretty you have to be confident in your skin and work with what you have. I am by no means over my body image struggles, but I have reached a point where I have stopped comparing myself to other girls and look in the mirror and only look for good things about myself. I never point out my flaws to myself anymore, I know what they are already, I just remind myself about the good bits. I have learnt to look at myself through God’s eyes, because when He made me “He saw that it was good” and change my perception of perfection.
So without further ado, here is the poem and an amazing song by Britt Nicole that covers the same idea.
Perfect in Him
Clawed deep into,
Her matted hair.
Her sharp cheekbones,
Smeared damp with,
Her salty tears.
Her steel blue eyes,
Fixated strongly on,
Her tired reflection.
She sighs deeply,
As she peers at what,
She believes to be ugly.
She can’t bare to,
Look at this daily,
She wants to change.
But when He looks,
From the other side,
Of societies mirror,
He sees beauty,
Freedom,
Love,
Acceptance,
He sees perfection.
She takes a step,
Outside of her body,
She looks through His eyes.
She begins to look,
From the other side,
Of societies mirror,
She sees beauty,
Freedom,
Love,
Acceptance,
She begins to see perfection.
She couldn’t bare to,
Look at herself daily,
She wanted to change,
But now she sees His perfection.
On her own she was blemished,
In Him she is perfect.
Britt Nicole - Gold
Sunday, 10 March 2013
May I Have This Dance?
I love dancing, from a young age I was always dancing
through the house making up my own dances. I took ballet for eight years and
absolutely loved it! Since then I have had to give up ballet in favour of
netball but still love dancing; I hear random beats or music in my head and
I’ll just be dancing in the middle of nowhere while talking to someone. No
judging, I’m a unique child. Often when I am feeling really romantic I put on
slow romantic music, such as Taylor Swift’s ‘Tim McGraw’, and slow dance with myself
in my room. Again, no judging, I’m single so I have no one to slow dance with
if my Dad’s not around – and I am not sure he would want to slow dance to
Taylor Swift after watching ‘A Walk To Remember.’ Anyway, I love slow dancing
but have no partner; that is the important bit.
I want to focus on two pictures that have meant so much to
me this year; one is the idea of ‘Dancing Backwards into the Future’ which I
got from my sister’s best friend, and the idea of dancing with Jesus, which I
got from a young mum at church.
‘Dancing Backwards into the Future’ is the idea of being lead by God into the future. When you partner dance, the girl dances backwards
as the boy leads. The girl cannot see where she is going, she can only focus on
the handsome (hopefully) boy in front of her who is guiding her so that she
does not crash into anyone. He leads her step for step. This is what life with
Jesus is like; He leads us into our future, He can see where we are headed when
we cannot, He leads us step for step and will never step on our toes. All that
we have to do is keep our eyes on him and enjoy the dance.
The idea of dancing with Jesus is a literal, physical thing.
When I am feeling lonely, when I feel as though no one loves me, or when I wish
I had a boyfriend, I dance with Jesus. Because, let’s face it, we all have
those days when, no matter how secure we are in ourselves or how content we are
being single, we wish we had a dance partner. Well, I have learnt from a young
mum at church in those times, to dance with Jesus instead of looking for
someone else to dance with. That is when I put on my music and I begin to
waltz, pretending I have someone guiding me while I talk to Jesus. I literally
dance with Jesus. I can honestly tell you that it works, you feel loved and
cherished.
So, in a literal sense, and in a spiritual sense, I try to
dance with Jesus as often as I can. I try to spiritually dance with Jesus
non-stop, that he is guiding me through my daily life and I physically dance
with Jesus whenever I feel lonely or romantic. The great thing about dancing
with Jesus is that whole thing of ‘I wish this song would never end and I could
dance with you forever…’ is true, it is actually possible. The Song of
Salvation never ends, once you accept Jesus’ invitation to dance He dances with
you forever. He is the best dance partner, He is gracious, He is gentle, and He
is loving and protective of you. I have never seen Him but I can imagine that
He is the most handsome possible dance partner ever. Plus, having Him as your
dance partner sets your standards high, so you will not settle for just any
dance partner, you will only say yes to your Prince.
That is my short-ish blog for now, I have another idea that
I will write up soon. I am thinking of writing one about True Friendship (Don’t
fret, I will think of a more creative name) and one on Prince Charming (Once
again, the name will be less cliché). So for now, good bye and thank you for
leaving a comment on my previous post anonymous, you made my day. J So with that, good
day, I love you all! xxx
Wednesday, 2 January 2013
Time to say hello to goodbye.
As 2012 ends and 2013 begins, we enter our annual short-lived 'can-do' season. We begin to see the faults in the theatre company we call 'The World' and the flaws in the characters we are playing, and we decide that this year we are going to fix everything. But we blindly fall into this trap every year. This is not going to be one of those empty New Year's posts about how I plan to loose weight, be successful and be a better person or an anti-New Year's post. Instead, I would like to look at saying hello to goodbye.
I have had my fair share of goodbyes in life, so much so that I hate saying hello in fear of goodbye. It does not stop me from saying hello though, nor from crying when goodbye comes. But alas, the annual goodbye to the good times and bad has come and it has made me think of what to do with last year now that I am standing in a new one.
Throughout last year God kept reminding me not to look back, to keep my eyes focused on the road ahead of me, even if I cannot see the finish line. Me mother was often reminding me also to 'Run your lane my Poppie.' I realised a while ago during a wonderful run on the beach that in order to do both these things, I had to stop comparing today to yesterday. Coming into this year I realised that not looking back and running my lane meant not planning this year according to last year and not comparing them either. Ever.
I do not mean to forget last year entirely, to do so would be foolish. We must learn from last year's mistakes, enjoy the memories of the good times - they will be our fuel in the tough times - and grow from last year's challenges. My "Word For You Today" echoed this idea when it spoke about letting go of last year's grudges and sins and moving forward in peace, happiness and right-standing with God. So that is my challenge for 2013; not to look back but to run forward in peace, happiness and right-standing with God. But I do not want it to be like the stereotypical New Year's Resolutions that only last three weeks; this is my day-to-day resolution as I say hello to saying goodbye once again.
Walking into 2013 I plan to be at peace, happy, be right with God, work hard in chasing my dream instead of waiting for it on a silver platter, and to not daydream. The last one is already proving a challenge... And, of course, to actually remember about my blog...
So, if you are reading this, and I can see if someone has been here, please let me know what your New Year's Resolutions are, I would love to hear from someone other than my devoted family who have to comment or face my wrath. You can drop one as 'Anonymous' or create an alias. If my sister can do it so anyone can!
Oh, I have totally revamped my blog for 2013, new metaphor and all! Here goes to running the Race in my lane in 2013!
I have had my fair share of goodbyes in life, so much so that I hate saying hello in fear of goodbye. It does not stop me from saying hello though, nor from crying when goodbye comes. But alas, the annual goodbye to the good times and bad has come and it has made me think of what to do with last year now that I am standing in a new one.
Throughout last year God kept reminding me not to look back, to keep my eyes focused on the road ahead of me, even if I cannot see the finish line. Me mother was often reminding me also to 'Run your lane my Poppie.' I realised a while ago during a wonderful run on the beach that in order to do both these things, I had to stop comparing today to yesterday. Coming into this year I realised that not looking back and running my lane meant not planning this year according to last year and not comparing them either. Ever.
I do not mean to forget last year entirely, to do so would be foolish. We must learn from last year's mistakes, enjoy the memories of the good times - they will be our fuel in the tough times - and grow from last year's challenges. My "Word For You Today" echoed this idea when it spoke about letting go of last year's grudges and sins and moving forward in peace, happiness and right-standing with God. So that is my challenge for 2013; not to look back but to run forward in peace, happiness and right-standing with God. But I do not want it to be like the stereotypical New Year's Resolutions that only last three weeks; this is my day-to-day resolution as I say hello to saying goodbye once again.
Walking into 2013 I plan to be at peace, happy, be right with God, work hard in chasing my dream instead of waiting for it on a silver platter, and to not daydream. The last one is already proving a challenge... And, of course, to actually remember about my blog...
Happy New Year everyone! Remember to forget about the negative events of last year, cherish the precious times, remember those past, embrace those here and be excited for those coming this year. As we walk into a new year, remember to smile frequently and laugh easily, cry when necessary and love unconditionally. Don't look back at last year, keep your eyes set on the path ahead and the One who is leading you down it. I pray that 2013 will bring you all joy and blessings, bond old friendships and bring new ones. Looking forward to 2013 with all you beautiful people! ♥
So, if you are reading this, and I can see if someone has been here, please let me know what your New Year's Resolutions are, I would love to hear from someone other than my devoted family who have to comment or face my wrath. You can drop one as 'Anonymous' or create an alias. If my sister can do it so anyone can!
Oh, I have totally revamped my blog for 2013, new metaphor and all! Here goes to running the Race in my lane in 2013!
Wednesday, 25 July 2012
A Random Number of Random Things About Me. :)
Inspired by a Nameless Samosa.
1. I am an absolutely hopeless romantic – seriously, I am in love with the idea of being in love; I’m that girl that they portray in movies, the one that is super single but has a huge crush on the hot lead male but no one knows? Like the girl in 27 Dresses that is so in love with the idea of love? Yeah, that’s me :)
2. I always look at people’s teeth, eyes and hands when I talk to them – their hands totally give away how much they take care of themselves.
3. I am totally frazzle brained – I can’t remember something that I said when I’ve finished my sentence, I just babble.
4. I used to be a total spendaholic, I now hardly ever buy things because otherwise I’ll buy the whole shop.
5. Hugs make me incredibly happy.
6. I have a fetish for shoes and have way too many pairs of pyjamas.
7. I just have too much clothes. Period.
8. I love photos.
9. Sunflowers are my favourite flower.
10. I have a really big range of weird laughs.
11. I find mirrors super distracting!
12. I cannot wrap gifts to save my life, I prefer giving gift bags. Wrapping all the gifts at Christmas is slightly heart-breaking.
13. I find disrespect (the whole bad-boy thing) and low-riders super unattractive.
14. I don’t understand why people need to swear.
15. I love compliments – I know it sounds dumb but the smallest compliment can put me out of a massive bad mood.
16. I write too much.
17. I am secretly a very mischievous person and love pranking people. This apparently can get mistaken for flirting if guys are involved… But it’s not.
18. My laptop hates me.
19. Those security beepy things outside shops and escalators scare the life out of me!
20. I cry in most movies.
21. I am actually extremely shy but when I am comfortable around you I never shut up.
22. I have never had a sleepover not at my house. Ever.
23. Since this is number 23… September 23rd stands out to me as a date. I have no clue why.
24. I always have the urge to dance at the most random of places.
25. I cry my heart out when other people cry, even if I do not know why they are crying.
26. I love going for walks.
27. Whenever I feel a breeze on my face, it feels as if God is dancing with me.
28. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate my friends and our inside jokes.
29. I find 29 a random enough number to stop on :)
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Not Your Average Girl
Just your typical girl next door; wild
hair, dedicated nerd and sports enthusiast. Yeah, that’s pretty much me. Apart
form the ‘typical’ bit. I am by far not your average girl.
Most girls my age have had a boyfriend, or
two, have been drunk, are chasing after boys, party all weekend and wear as
little as possible. I’ve been single my whole life, only ever had two glasses
of champagne at two different celebrations, see boys purely as fun friends to
have (for now ;) ), am far too busy to have a social life and have a very
modest sense of style. And guess what!? I love it!!!! Still think I sound
foreign? I put a little something together with the help of my very supportive
family to help you; here it is:
Not Your Average Girl
She is mischievous,
She is loud,
She is bubbly,
She is devious,
She is the life of the party.
But she is moody,
She is shy,
She is intense,
She is cautious,
She is a dedicated nerd.
She is genuine and kind,
But she does not get crossed twice,
She is fun and competitive,
But she does not handle crudeness,
She is loving and caring,
But she is not one to get romantically
involved,
She is faithful and loyal,
But she is not a bible-basher,
She is part of the crowd,
But she is not your average girl.
I do not mean at all to criticise people in
teen relationships, you make my life dramatic and fuzzy with love, but I am not
at all an advocate for teenage relationships. I see dating as practice for
marriage – agreed? – and so I take on the teenage approach and I am not
practicing for something that is not going to happen within the next few weeks.
I am a devoted Christian, but I am not one to tell you that you have to be one
too. I will share my faith with you and pray for you but I will not force you
into anything – your life isn’t mine. I am a loud, bubbly person who loves
getting up to no good but I am shy at
heart and probably won’t be the one to approach you in town and ask for your
number. I am a touch person; you know you are in with me if I touch your arm
when I talk to you. But, like always with me, there’s a catch. I do not touch
boys. Now, before you leave your computer screaming ‘Nun!!!!!!!’ please let me
explain because I often get a lot of stick for this one. Because I am such a
touch person – seriously it’s really bad… - I get really affected when people
touch me. Honestly, I know it make me sound like a dodgy person but it’s just
my love language, when people touch me –from a touch on the arm to a hug – I
feel really warm and fuzzy inside. Because I get so badly affected I stay away
from touching boys due to a little thing called hormones and another little
thing called purity.
Ok, it’s really late, the Queen’s Diamond
Jubilee Concert is nearly finished, I am exhausted and I have had a blast in
the snow that fell today – I may leave you a photo down below… – so I will love
and leave you there on that very scrambled note. I hope that I have left you
with a bit more of an insight to my very blonde, space head brain and a little
more of an understanding of that kid at school with the strange rules and
regulations; dig into their brains, there may be a nugget or two of wisdom in
there for you.
Oh, just to finish off, I’d like to share
the lyrics from what I have adopted as one of my ‘theme songs’ :)
So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring
No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story
Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tired waiting till he comes
God’s arms are the perfect place to run
Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep God’s
Preparing one for me
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Expecting Change – or Changing Expectations
When life becomes unpredictable; do you expect change or change your expectations?
The last four months of my life have been challenging; everything has changed, and then changed again. All the expectations that I had for the move, all the hopes that I had for the future changed. Maybe I had my head in the clouds, dreamed to extreme and never gave myself a reality check. Even though I expected change, life forced me to change my expectations.
Changing schools for the first time, having to make new friends and having to start building a new name for myself on the netball court, took a bigger toll on me than I expected change would. At heart I’m a shy person so having to make new friends chilled me to the bone. It still does. I came across very unapproachable, probably stuck up, but honestly, I was dying inside. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to be able to trust anyone, I didn’t want to open up to anyone. I didn’t want to be happy here. Why? Because after a few days; I was forced to change my expectations.
I moved with the expectation that everything that my family had built up over the past 12 years in New Zealand we would just find comfortably on the other side. I expected that I would be welcomed into my new school like we used to welcome new kids at my old school and that I would succeed further on my past victories. Basically, I thought that I would just be able to continue with my old life once I moved. Yes, I expected that there would be change but not on too large a scale. But, like I mentioned before, it only took a few days for reality to kick in. I realised that my expectation of just continuing with my over-easy life would have to change. I wasn’t in the same community, not even the same island, so I couldn’t expect to live the same life. Expecting the change in my life was easy, because it was a cliché expectation. But having to change my expectation on what to expect was tough.
I said earlier that I didn’t want to be happy here and sadly that is true. I was frozen with shock when I realised what the word change means – nothing, or barely anything, stays the same – and I was nervous that what I would find would not suit me. I was comfortable where I was and I wasn’t in the mood for discomfort, having to fit into a new mould so I sub-consciously made up my mind to not be happy. I didn’t realise it until recently, that I was choosing not to be happy. I knew that I was miserable, that I wasn’t settled and that change was getting the better of me and that I desperately didn’t want to be miserable but I never realised that I was doing it to myself. I missed my old life, my friends and my future that I had built for myself at netball and was intimidated by my new environment, scared by the very different type of person that I was encountering and disheartened by having to start all over again but I let that steal my happiness from me.
I wouldn’t say that I am totally settled yet, I am still getting to know how this community works, how the people live life and everyday I am having to pioneer my future all over again but I have to admit, with changed expectations and a new outlook on how I am going to do things, life has gotten much better. I am now relating to those around me with more ease, I hope that I am seen as more approachable and am seeing all my previous struggles as challenges – but the type of challenge that is looked at positively. I am willing to take on the tasks set ahead of me, willing to take the risk or discomfort and pain for the sake of my happiness and my future.
I am faced with a lot of pain in the world, I can see it in people’s eyes and hear it between the lines of their conversations but I am determined, that as I changed my expectations in life and brightened my life, that others might start doing the same.That the sweetness that now lives in my heart, will rest on those that I encounter. I heard a really nice analogy once; that sweet people are like a rose garden. After spending time in their presence, you leave with their aroma on you. I hope that with my new transformation of mind and heart, that I will become a rose garden to my community, that I will be able to give back some of the sweetness that I have found in myself since moving here.
This whole journey so far has taught me that life is truly just what you make it out to be; how you look at life and take on each day determines what you will get out of it. I have taken up the challenge and dare you to do the same; take a look into how you are seeing life, examine what your most frequent emotion is and change your expectations to give you more happiness. Don’t expect too much of yourself and those around you, be realistic.
The last four months of my life have been challenging; everything has changed, and then changed again. All the expectations that I had for the move, all the hopes that I had for the future changed. Maybe I had my head in the clouds, dreamed to extreme and never gave myself a reality check. Even though I expected change, life forced me to change my expectations.
Changing schools for the first time, having to make new friends and having to start building a new name for myself on the netball court, took a bigger toll on me than I expected change would. At heart I’m a shy person so having to make new friends chilled me to the bone. It still does. I came across very unapproachable, probably stuck up, but honestly, I was dying inside. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to be able to trust anyone, I didn’t want to open up to anyone. I didn’t want to be happy here. Why? Because after a few days; I was forced to change my expectations.
I moved with the expectation that everything that my family had built up over the past 12 years in New Zealand we would just find comfortably on the other side. I expected that I would be welcomed into my new school like we used to welcome new kids at my old school and that I would succeed further on my past victories. Basically, I thought that I would just be able to continue with my old life once I moved. Yes, I expected that there would be change but not on too large a scale. But, like I mentioned before, it only took a few days for reality to kick in. I realised that my expectation of just continuing with my over-easy life would have to change. I wasn’t in the same community, not even the same island, so I couldn’t expect to live the same life. Expecting the change in my life was easy, because it was a cliché expectation. But having to change my expectation on what to expect was tough.
I said earlier that I didn’t want to be happy here and sadly that is true. I was frozen with shock when I realised what the word change means – nothing, or barely anything, stays the same – and I was nervous that what I would find would not suit me. I was comfortable where I was and I wasn’t in the mood for discomfort, having to fit into a new mould so I sub-consciously made up my mind to not be happy. I didn’t realise it until recently, that I was choosing not to be happy. I knew that I was miserable, that I wasn’t settled and that change was getting the better of me and that I desperately didn’t want to be miserable but I never realised that I was doing it to myself. I missed my old life, my friends and my future that I had built for myself at netball and was intimidated by my new environment, scared by the very different type of person that I was encountering and disheartened by having to start all over again but I let that steal my happiness from me.
I wouldn’t say that I am totally settled yet, I am still getting to know how this community works, how the people live life and everyday I am having to pioneer my future all over again but I have to admit, with changed expectations and a new outlook on how I am going to do things, life has gotten much better. I am now relating to those around me with more ease, I hope that I am seen as more approachable and am seeing all my previous struggles as challenges – but the type of challenge that is looked at positively. I am willing to take on the tasks set ahead of me, willing to take the risk or discomfort and pain for the sake of my happiness and my future.
I am faced with a lot of pain in the world, I can see it in people’s eyes and hear it between the lines of their conversations but I am determined, that as I changed my expectations in life and brightened my life, that others might start doing the same.That the sweetness that now lives in my heart, will rest on those that I encounter. I heard a really nice analogy once; that sweet people are like a rose garden. After spending time in their presence, you leave with their aroma on you. I hope that with my new transformation of mind and heart, that I will become a rose garden to my community, that I will be able to give back some of the sweetness that I have found in myself since moving here.
This whole journey so far has taught me that life is truly just what you make it out to be; how you look at life and take on each day determines what you will get out of it. I have taken up the challenge and dare you to do the same; take a look into how you are seeing life, examine what your most frequent emotion is and change your expectations to give you more happiness. Don’t expect too much of yourself and those around you, be realistic.
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