Thursday, 16 January 2014

Perfection Perception

I was cleaning out my room these last few weeks – it was quite a mission… and I stumbled across one of my many notebooks. In it I discovered a poem that I felt compelled to share here because its message rings very true with many teenage girls. I have no idea when I wrote it, but it slapped me in the face when I read it.

 I, like most teenage girls, have had my fair share of struggles with body image and self esteem. I believe that it is a daily struggle for most of us, as we stumble our way through puberty blues and try to develop an image for ourselves that won’t repulse us every time we look in the mirror. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one that goes through the daily “Oh my word, what is that!?” when I look in the mirror, the “This definitely makes me look fat” and the “How is she so flawless.” But then there are those days where you look in the mirror and think “Dang girl, how are you still single!?” No? Okay, maybe it’s just me… I began wondering why it is that we can love ourselves one minute and hate ourselves the next and this poem answered my question this morning. It’s all in our perception of perfection. 

I have a really healthy relationship with my mirror, seriously it’s distracting because it’s right next to my desk, but I still need the reassurance from family and friends that I am alright. I caught myself looking at other girls’ facebooks who have around 155 likes on their profile picture and seeing that mine only has 15 and wondering what I am doing wrong. Then I realised that I don’t really care what people think of me online, it doesn't change what I look like and I don’t want to change my pictures to change what I look like either. My older sister is drop dead gorgeous; she has a model’s build, flawless skin and a beautiful face. People are constantly telling me how stunning she is and that became another stumbling block for me, that people would never tell me that I’m pretty and only compliment my clothes if she was wearing them. But I again realised, their words aren't going to change what I look like either and that when my idea of perfect beauty looks in the mirror, she sees a list of flaws too. We look to someone and see perfection, yet they still look at themselves and see 'not good enough.'

I realised that in order to look pretty, you have to feel pretty and in order to feel pretty you have to think pretty. Whoa okay that was badly written, I confused myself. Let’s try again. In order to look and feel pretty you have to be confident in your skin and work with what you have. I am by no means over my body image struggles, but I have reached a point where I have stopped comparing myself to other girls and look in the mirror and only look for good things about myself. I never point out my flaws to myself anymore, I know what they are already, I just remind myself about the good bits. I have learnt to look at myself through God’s eyes, because when He made me “He saw that it was good” and change my perception of perfection. 

So without further ado, here is the poem and an amazing song by Britt Nicole that covers the same idea. 


Perfect in Him


Her bony finger,
Clawed deep into,
Her matted hair. 

Her sharp cheekbones,
Smeared damp with,
Her salty tears. 

Her steel blue eyes,
Fixated strongly on,
Her tired reflection. 

She sighs deeply,
As she peers at what,
She believes to be ugly. 

She can’t bare to,
Look at this daily,
She wants to change. 

But when He looks,
From the other side,
Of societies mirror,
He sees beauty,
Freedom,
Love,
Acceptance,
He sees perfection. 

She takes a step,
Outside of her body,
She looks through His eyes. 

She begins to look,
From the other side,
Of societies mirror,
She sees beauty,
Freedom,
Love,
Acceptance,
She begins to see perfection. 

She couldn’t bare to,
Look at herself daily,
She wanted to change,
But now she sees His perfection. 

On her own she was blemished,
In Him she is perfect. 

Britt Nicole - Gold

Sunday, 10 March 2013

May I Have This Dance?


I love dancing, from a young age I was always dancing through the house making up my own dances. I took ballet for eight years and absolutely loved it! Since then I have had to give up ballet in favour of netball but still love dancing; I hear random beats or music in my head and I’ll just be dancing in the middle of nowhere while talking to someone. No judging, I’m a unique child. Often when I am feeling really romantic I put on slow romantic music, such as Taylor Swift’s ‘Tim McGraw’, and slow dance with myself in my room. Again, no judging, I’m single so I have no one to slow dance with if my Dad’s not around – and I am not sure he would want to slow dance to Taylor Swift after watching ‘A Walk To Remember.’ Anyway, I love slow dancing but have no partner; that is the important bit.

I want to focus on two pictures that have meant so much to me this year; one is the idea of ‘Dancing Backwards into the Future’ which I got from my sister’s best friend, and the idea of dancing with Jesus, which I got from a young mum at church.

‘Dancing Backwards into the Future’ is the idea of being lead by God into the future. When you partner dance, the girl dances backwards as the boy leads. The girl cannot see where she is going, she can only focus on the handsome (hopefully) boy in front of her who is guiding her so that she does not crash into anyone. He leads her step for step. This is what life with Jesus is like; He leads us into our future, He can see where we are headed when we cannot, He leads us step for step and will never step on our toes. All that we have to do is keep our eyes on him and enjoy the dance.

The idea of dancing with Jesus is a literal, physical thing. When I am feeling lonely, when I feel as though no one loves me, or when I wish I had a boyfriend, I dance with Jesus. Because, let’s face it, we all have those days when, no matter how secure we are in ourselves or how content we are being single, we wish we had a dance partner. Well, I have learnt from a young mum at church in those times, to dance with Jesus instead of looking for someone else to dance with. That is when I put on my music and I begin to waltz, pretending I have someone guiding me while I talk to Jesus. I literally dance with Jesus. I can honestly tell you that it works, you feel loved and cherished.

So, in a literal sense, and in a spiritual sense, I try to dance with Jesus as often as I can. I try to spiritually dance with Jesus non-stop, that he is guiding me through my daily life and I physically dance with Jesus whenever I feel lonely or romantic. The great thing about dancing with Jesus is that whole thing of ‘I wish this song would never end and I could dance with you forever…’ is true, it is actually possible. The Song of Salvation never ends, once you accept Jesus’ invitation to dance He dances with you forever. He is the best dance partner, He is gracious, He is gentle, and He is loving and protective of you. I have never seen Him but I can imagine that He is the most handsome possible dance partner ever. Plus, having Him as your dance partner sets your standards high, so you will not settle for just any dance partner, you will only say yes to your Prince.

That is my short-ish blog for now, I have another idea that I will write up soon. I am thinking of writing one about True Friendship (Don’t fret, I will think of a more creative name) and one on Prince Charming (Once again, the name will be less cliché). So for now, good bye and thank you for leaving a comment on my previous post anonymous, you made my day. J So with that, good day, I love you all! xxx

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Time to say hello to goodbye.

As 2012 ends and 2013 begins, we enter our annual short-lived 'can-do' season. We begin to see the faults in the theatre company we call 'The World' and the flaws in the characters we are playing, and we decide that this year we are going to fix everything. But we blindly fall into this trap every year. This is not going to be one of those empty New Year's posts about how I plan to loose weight, be successful and be a better person or an anti-New Year's post. Instead, I would like to look at saying hello to goodbye.

I have had my fair share of goodbyes in life, so much so that I hate saying hello in fear of goodbye. It does not stop me from saying hello though, nor from crying when goodbye comes. But alas, the annual goodbye to the good times and bad has come and it has made me think of what to do with last year now that I am standing in a new one.

Throughout last year God kept reminding me not to look back, to keep my eyes focused on the road ahead of me, even if I cannot see the finish line. Me mother was often reminding me also to 'Run your lane my Poppie.' I realised a while ago during a wonderful run on the beach that in order to do both these things, I had to stop comparing today to yesterday. Coming into this year I realised that not looking back and running my lane meant not planning this year according to last year and not comparing them either. Ever.

I do not mean to forget last year entirely, to do so would be foolish. We must learn from last year's mistakes, enjoy the memories of the good times - they will be our fuel in the tough times - and grow from last year's challenges. My "Word For You Today" echoed this idea when it spoke about letting go of last year's grudges and sins and moving forward in peace, happiness and right-standing with God. So that is my challenge for 2013; not to look back but to run forward in peace, happiness and right-standing with God. But I do not want it to be like the stereotypical New Year's Resolutions that only last three weeks; this is my day-to-day resolution as I say hello to saying goodbye once again.

Walking into 2013 I plan to be at peace, happy, be right with God, work hard in chasing my dream instead of waiting for it on a silver platter, and to not daydream. The last one is already proving a challenge... And, of course, to actually remember about my blog...

Happy New Year everyone! Remember to forget about the negative events of last year, cherish the precious times, remember those past, embrace those here and be excited for those coming this year. As we walk into a new year, remember to smile frequently and laugh easily, cry when necessary and love unconditionally. Don't look back at last year, keep your eyes set on the path ahead and the One who is leading you down it. I pray that 2013 will bring you all joy and blessings, bond old friendships and bring new ones. Looking forward to 2013 with all you beautiful people! ♥

So, if you are reading this, and I can see if someone has been here, please let me know what your New Year's Resolutions are, I would love to hear from someone other than my devoted family who have to comment or face my wrath. You can drop one as 'Anonymous' or create an alias. If  my sister can do it so anyone can!

Oh, I have totally revamped my blog for 2013, new metaphor and all! Here goes to running the Race in my lane in 2013!

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

A Random Number of Random Things About Me. :)


Inspired by a Nameless Samosa.

1.       I am an absolutely hopeless romantic – seriously, I am in love with the idea of being in love; I’m that girl that they portray in movies, the one that is super single but has a huge crush on the hot lead male but no one knows? Like the girl in 27 Dresses that is so in love with the idea of love? Yeah, that’s me :)
2.       I always look at people’s teeth, eyes and hands when I talk to them – their hands totally give away how much they take care of themselves.
3.       I am totally frazzle brained – I can’t remember something that I said when I’ve finished my sentence, I just babble.
4.       I used to be a total spendaholic, I now hardly ever buy things because otherwise I’ll buy the whole shop.
5.       Hugs make me incredibly happy.
6.       I have a fetish for shoes and have way too many pairs of pyjamas.
7.       I just have too much clothes. Period.
8.       I love photos.
9.       Sunflowers are my favourite flower.
10.   I have a really big range of weird laughs.
11.   I find mirrors super distracting!
12.   I cannot wrap gifts to save my life, I prefer giving gift bags. Wrapping all the gifts at Christmas is slightly heart-breaking.
13.   I find disrespect (the whole bad-boy thing) and low-riders super unattractive.
14.   I don’t understand why people need to swear.
15.   I love compliments – I know it sounds dumb but the smallest compliment can put me out of a massive bad mood.
16.   I write too much.
17.   I am secretly a very mischievous person and love pranking people. This apparently can get mistaken for flirting if guys are involved… But it’s not.
18.   My laptop hates me.
19.   Those security beepy things outside shops and escalators scare the life out of me!
20.   I cry in most movies.
21.   I am actually extremely shy but when I am comfortable around you I never shut up.
22.   I have never had a sleepover not at my house. Ever.
23.   Since this is number 23… September 23rd stands out to me as a date. I have no clue why.
24.   I always have the urge to dance at the most random of places.
25.   I cry my heart out when other people cry, even if I do not know why they are crying.
26.   I love going for walks.
27.   Whenever I feel a breeze on my face, it feels as if God is dancing with me.
28.   I cannot tell you how much I appreciate my friends and our inside jokes.
29.   I find 29 a random enough number to stop on :)

 

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Not Your Average Girl


Just your typical girl next door; wild hair, dedicated nerd and sports enthusiast. Yeah, that’s pretty much me. Apart form the ‘typical’ bit. I am by far not your average girl.

Most girls my age have had a boyfriend, or two, have been drunk, are chasing after boys, party all weekend and wear as little as possible. I’ve been single my whole life, only ever had two glasses of champagne at two different celebrations, see boys purely as fun friends to have (for now ;) ), am far too busy to have a social life and have a very modest sense of style. And guess what!? I love it!!!! Still think I sound foreign? I put a little something together with the help of my very supportive family to help you; here it is:

Not Your Average Girl
She is mischievous,
She is loud,
She is bubbly,
She is devious,
She is the life of the party.

But she is moody,
She is shy,
She is intense,
She is cautious,
She is a dedicated nerd.

She is genuine and kind,
But she does not get crossed twice,
She is fun and competitive,
But she does not handle crudeness,
She is loving and caring,
But she is not one to get romantically involved,
She is faithful and loyal,
But she is not a bible-basher,
She is part of the crowd,
But she is not your average girl.

I do not mean at all to criticise people in teen relationships, you make my life dramatic and fuzzy with love, but I am not at all an advocate for teenage relationships. I see dating as practice for marriage – agreed? – and so I take on the teenage approach and I am not practicing for something that is not going to happen within the next few weeks. I am a devoted Christian, but I am not one to tell you that you have to be one too. I will share my faith with you and pray for you but I will not force you into anything – your life isn’t mine. I am a loud, bubbly person who loves getting up to no good  but I am shy at heart and probably won’t be the one to approach you in town and ask for your number. I am a touch person; you know you are in with me if I touch your arm when I talk to you. But, like always with me, there’s a catch. I do not touch boys. Now, before you leave your computer screaming ‘Nun!!!!!!!’ please let me explain because I often get a lot of stick for this one. Because I am such a touch person – seriously it’s really bad… - I get really affected when people touch me. Honestly, I know it make me sound like a dodgy person but it’s just my love language, when people touch me –from a touch on the arm to a hug – I feel really warm and fuzzy inside. Because I get so badly affected I stay away from touching boys due to a little thing called hormones and another little thing called purity.

Ok, it’s really late, the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee Concert is nearly finished, I am exhausted and I have had a blast in the snow that fell today – I may leave you a photo down below… – so I will love and leave you there on that very scrambled note. I hope that I have left you with a bit more of an insight to my very blonde, space head brain and a little more of an understanding of that kid at school with the strange rules and regulations; dig into their brains, there may be a nugget or two of wisdom in there for you.
Oh, just to finish off, I’d like to share the lyrics from what I have adopted as one of my ‘theme songs’ :)

"Average Girl" by Barlowgirl

So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring

No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me
No more dating I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story

Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God's preparing one for you
If you get tired waiting till he comes
God’s arms are the perfect place to run

Sleep that's the only thing
For me 'cause when I sleep God’s
Preparing one for me

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Expecting Change – or Changing Expectations

When life becomes unpredictable; do you expect change or change your expectations?
The last four months of my life have been challenging; everything has changed, and then changed again. All the expectations that I had for the move, all the hopes that I had for the future changed. Maybe I had my head in the clouds, dreamed to extreme and never gave myself a reality check. Even though I expected change, life forced me to change my expectations.


Changing schools for the first time, having to make new friends and having to start building a new name for myself on the netball court, took a bigger toll on me than I expected change would. At heart I’m a shy person so having to make new friends chilled me to the bone. It still does. I came across very unapproachable, probably stuck up, but honestly, I was dying inside. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to be able to trust anyone, I didn’t want to open up to anyone. I didn’t want to be happy here. Why? Because after a few days; I was forced to change my expectations.

I moved with the expectation that everything that my family had built up over the past 12 years in New Zealand we would just find comfortably on the other side. I expected that I would be welcomed into my new school like we used to welcome new kids at my old school and that I would succeed further on my past victories. Basically, I thought that I would just be able to continue with my old life once I moved. Yes, I expected that there would be change but not on too large a scale. But, like I mentioned before, it only took a few days for reality to kick in. I realised that my expectation of just continuing with my over-easy life would have to change. I wasn’t in the same community, not even the same island, so I couldn’t expect to live the same life. Expecting the change in my life was easy, because it was a cliché expectation. But having to change my expectation on what to expect was tough.

I said earlier that I didn’t want to be happy here and sadly that is true. I was frozen with shock when I realised what the word change means – nothing, or barely anything, stays the same – and I was nervous that what I would find would not suit me. I was comfortable where I was and I wasn’t in the mood for discomfort, having to fit into a new mould so I sub-consciously made up my mind to not be happy. I didn’t realise it until recently, that I was choosing not to be happy. I knew that I was miserable, that I wasn’t settled and that change was getting the better of me and that I desperately didn’t want to be miserable but I never realised that I was doing it to myself. I missed my old life, my friends and my future that I had built for myself at netball and was intimidated by my new environment, scared by the very different type of person that I was encountering and disheartened by having to start all over again but I let that steal my happiness from me.

I wouldn’t say that I am totally settled yet, I am still getting to know how this community works, how the people live life and everyday I am having to pioneer my future all over again but I have to admit, with changed expectations and a new outlook on how I am going to do things, life has gotten much better. I am now relating to those around me with more ease, I hope that I am seen as more approachable and am seeing all my previous struggles as challenges – but the type of challenge that is looked at positively. I am willing to take on the tasks set ahead of me, willing to take the risk or discomfort and pain for the sake of my happiness and my future.

I am faced with a lot of pain in the world, I can see it in people’s eyes and hear it between the lines of their conversations but I am determined, that as I changed my expectations in life and brightened my life, that others might start doing the same.That the sweetness that now lives in my heart, will rest on those that I encounter. I heard a really nice analogy once; that sweet people are like a rose garden. After spending time in their presence, you leave with their aroma on you. I hope that with my new transformation of mind and heart, that I will become a rose garden to my community, that I will be able to give back some of the sweetness that I have found in myself since moving here.

This whole journey so far has taught me that life is truly just what you make it out to be; how you look at life and take on each day determines what you will get out of it. I have taken up the challenge and dare you to do the same; take a look into how you are seeing life, examine what your most frequent emotion is and change your expectations to give you more happiness. Don’t expect too much of yourself and those around you, be realistic.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Emotional Memory


That hit song, that familiar scent, that childhood friend, that comforting dish, that favourite clothing piece, that specific place, that humorous phrase, that heavy weather, that family occasion, that certain time of year. These are all nostalgic things that trigger an emotional memory.
An emotional memory; what is the difference between that and just a plain old memory? It is an idea that I have been toying around with for a while and still struggle to find the right words to describe it. It is more than just remembering some thing, some one, some time or some place, it is experiencing them all over again. No, not just experiencing them; letting them flow through you. Letting yourself be overthrown by the emotion, smell all the aromas, see all the sights, hear all the sounds, react to the people, process the thoughts and then having it mix in with reality. There are a lot of long lists in this post but I want you to read them slowly again and chew over them in your mind.
I am going to go through a few of the triggers one by one, starting with the three that have been surprisingly the strongest to me lately.
Smell, probably the most underestimated of the senses but for me, one of the strongest ways of experiencing the world and remembering the past. Smell in a way encompasses all the other triggers: people normally have a certain smell, some places can have a very distinct smell, certain weather and seasons’ smell is very memorable. But it is the personal aromas that trigger my memory. I have what may seem a very peculiar habit of smelling people when I am near them. Subtly of course, I do not just stick my nose at them and take a nice big nose full; that would just be creepy. But with the amount of perfumes, soaps and deodorants around these days, especially those heavily applied ones in teenage circles, make it very easy for someone to develop a distinct personal smell. I find that when I smell a certain deodorant or perfume, I always associate it with someone which then in turn triggers the memories surrounding that person. I tend to jump from deodorant to deodorant; being a sports person I have quite a collection. I recently have switched back to a deodorant that I used for basketball in winter last year which triggered all the memories from then.
Time of year and weather may seem a very strange trigger to some, as it was to me when I first discovered it. But the more I thought about it, the more obvious it became, we often focus on the weather for memories. “I remember another day like this when…” Ring a bell? Recently, with the change in the weather, past wintery memories have come flooding back to my mind. Days when my thoughts would wander out into the winter, get caught up in a gust of wind and only come back to me when the weather calms. I find that it is annually, during the autumn and winter seasons that my imagination become overactive as the rest of me freezes. In summer and spring, the hot days bring back joyous memories. This trigger relates back rather strongly to my previous post on Heart Seasons as I find that as the weather goes, as does my emotions; just sometimes the other way around – I am my happiest in winter and rather bored in the summer. Time of year and weather cover most of the other triggers as often you will use things in certain seasons or at certain occasions that may trigger a memory.
Songs are a very obvious one. We’ve all had that one song that we’ve spent hours singing and dancing to with friends or family or that song that played at a very monumental occasion that now carry the emotions of that time(s). And sometimes the lyrics of the songs, I have found, relate perfectly to the memory – I am a word person (as you may have gathered…) so the lyrics of songs really stand out to me. For example, a few years ago I went back to South Africa for my cousin’s wedding. We spent the week on a game farm and I had the time of my life with my sister and cousin – we got up to all sorts of mischief. At the actual wedding, which was the final event for the week, the song ‘Dota’ played about six times so as you can imagine that song now carries a very strong emotional memory for me. Every time I hear it I think back to that time, what was bubbling through me and consequently all the other mischievous things that I have done with my cousins… My biggest emotional memory attached to a song though is by a mile ‘Firework” by Katy Perry. I am by no means a fan of hers but that song was my netball team’s song by mistake last year, it gained dance moves and was performed all over the North Island – at UNISS, a random BP station in the middle of nowhere, Sports Prizegiving and my team even flash mobbed me with it at our yr10 conference. Since then, hearing it at my new school in drama, it brought back that hoard of emotions and I was obliged to tell the story. We consequently flash mobbed our Easter Service with the song and if I have to say so myself, it was amazing.
Friends, places, occasions and phrases – such as a movie quote or inside joke – are very obvious triggers; they are the ones that often send us down a 
Memory Lane
trip to be cliché and more often than not, leave us in painful hysterical laughter. They are so extremely obvious that I am not going to bother going into them. If you are not sure of them – leave me a comment below.
Food dishes; they are probably one of my more radical ideas if I am to be perfectly honest. Most of us will have that meal that is our mother’s fall back option of busy days, the other meal that is devoured by our family before we can think of having some and that very traditional or cultural meal. Maybe it is that one that we always have at a birthday or Christmas or one that is tied to your ethnicity. They might all be connected to another trigger – time of year, weather, place or occasion. But all hold a definite emotional memory. Think of your favourite dish – when do you most often eat it? What affect does it have on those around you? What do you feel when you’ve eaten it – other that satisfied of course? Bam, you have yourself the most delicious emotional memory ever.
Clothes are another one of my strange ideas but I have found that they definitely carry an emotional memory. As I have already mentioned, it is now nearing winter time here in lil’ ol’ God’s Own and that means that the time has come to don the kilt, long sleeved blouse, tie and blazer. Last winter I got my first blazer and it was during quite an emotional time of my life so when I walked onto campus at my new school this year I was almost expecting to walk into a rainy Auckland day at my old school and I could even imagine the conversations that I was about to have, who I wanted to go see, who I wanted to get a hug from, who I wanted to tell about my holiday and who would be waiting for me to go to class. So you can just imagine the disappointment that I faced in not finding who I was looking for and it being a sunny day. But every time that I adorn myself – wow, reading Pride and Prejudice really has increased my vocabulary – with my blazer I get assaulted by all of the emotions that I faced last winter, the triumphs and the defeats of my soul and the thoughts that passed through my head. But I have noticed that as the term has progressed, new emotions are linked to my blazer, new memories founded with new friends. It has been amazing to me, the emotional memory that is carried by a piece of clothing. Just now thinking through some of wardrobe, I am taken back to many different days filled with many varying emotions presented to me by the different items in my closet.
Before, a memory to me was merely just that but have a newfound love for the experience of the memory. Reliving them, pushing yourself through them once again and coming out the other side warm and fuzzy or chilled to the bone. I am not too fond of recalling the ones that chill me but I find it fascinating the effect that a song, a scent, a person, a dish, a piece of clothing, a place, a phrase, a weather pattern, an occasion and a time of year can have on my heart. Take some time, I challenge you, to fish through the pond of triggers and push yourself through your memories properly, feeling them once more.
I feel so much better now that this has been posted! :)